Sunday, February 12, 2012
Saturday, February 11, 2012
2 Corinthians 5:7 "For we walk by faith, not by sight"
It is about 1am and I can't sleep...so I figured I'd vent on here to all you lucky (not) listeners.
We took Max to his third evaluation a few weeks ago. Both of the ladies that come and work with him twice a month...one from CDSA (Child Developmental Services Agency) and one from Governor Morehead School for the blind have said how well Max is doing. Even his daycare teachers praise on how active he is and that he must be able to see more than they originally thought he would.
Well, I have always been a pessimist while my husband is the optimist. Having Max in my life has really taught me to force myself to be or try to be optimistic. I really REALLY had my hopes up for this third evaluation; So much so that I couldn't stop imagining what Dr. Toth was going to say...I only slept at most 12 hours the whole week before his appointment and not in fear this time, I was just so certain we were going to get such great news ya know?! The night before his appointment Max and I were playing. Max is my baby so I am past the point of "evaluating" his "condition". I really have for the most part forgotten that he was even diagnosed with PFV...OK thats a lie...erase-erase. Example of me trying to force myself to be optimistic.
What I am trying to say is that I have reached a point that I accept it no matter how good or bad his condition really is...so instead of always being the first thing I think of everyday it's the ya know 4th or 5th...Anyways...I was playing with Max the night before his 3rd evaluation and for some reason I could see the "white spot" in his left eye more than normal. After we put him to bed snug as a bug in a rug Allen and I went to bed. I just couldn't sleep...much like tonight. I ended up coming back downstairs and looking at all of the hundreds of pictures of my sweet little Max man. I felt like Barbara Hershey in the movie Beaches as Hillary Whitney looking for that picture of her mother's hands...yeah it was like that. Maybe it was lack of sleep, paranoia...I saw the *&^%$#@ white spot in my babies eye in every picture. That sharp paid was back in my chest, tears started pouring...you know the cry that is silent and painful with a big ol' touch of pissed the hell off. I got really pissed folks. I hadn't been in that mental place since the day he was diagnosed and I had been so excited about this appointment and BAM that jack a** of a pesimistic got the best of me. Its like in the movies the little angel on one shoulder and the devil on the other...you catch my drift right? Well after the silent, painful cry turned into straight Whaaaaaa, tissues got involved..it was ugly I tell ya...I got myself together and I...sitting by myself in my livingroom, dead silence other that the deep short repetitive breaths...you know the ones after a good cry? Little kids get them after whoopin's...I litterally (as crazy as it sounds) took my left hand and flicked that little bastard of pessimistic devil off my left shoulder, gave the optimistic angel dap, and took my my strong, forced optimistic a** to bed....crickets...and I laid there.........and laid there. I straight up was so sleep deprived myself was arguing with me in my head. Somewhere in the midst of me and myself's arguments mixed with prayer I dosed off.
It must have been about 3am and I heard my Max through the monitor. I could tell he was moving around and surely about to let it go so I went in there to save Allen's sleep. I changed my booga bear and gave him a bottle. We sat there and just stared at eachother. Here come the tears now just thing about it. My Max was looking right into my eyes. Now...again people Morg has had very little sleep, but I swear Max and I were having a moment. In the middle of his bottle he just stopped and smiled at me, then shook his head no. It was like he knew I was worried and just telling me in his little Max way "Chill the heck out Mama, Dada knows everyhtings fine sleeping like a baby upstairs...just simmer down Mama." I put him to bed and I to went to sleep.
His appointment was at 1:30 pm....remember that folks ONE THIRTY P.M....Allen, Max, and I got to Duke about 12:15 and checked in....off to the bland waiting room we went filled with elderly people wearing bifocals....Now wait just a minute! Were we in the right place? The fella at the front desk checked us in so we must be. Just as I was contemplating going back up to the front to verify we were indeed in the right place a lady came in with a little boy around 5ish....ohhhh there goes the sharp pain again. The little boy was noticeably visually impaired. His mother guided him to his seat. Thoughts started pouring in muh head...Oh Lord bless her heart, bless his heart, wonder what condition he has, could it be PFV? As the thoughts were racing in my mind the little boys mother looked right at me and my mind went blank. She looked at me and did one of those smiles...probable the same smile I gave her when they first waled in...the one that expresses sympathy. I tried distracting myself and took Max for a walk. It was 3:00pm and we had still not been seen or so much as had someone let us know how long we would be waiting. At 3:30 Mama Morg reached the boiling point. I knew that if I didn't go say something Allen was soon gonna and it would get real ugly up in there. I marched...not walked...I marched up to the front desk. "'Scuse me...." Homeboy had the nerve to ignore me which sent me overboard...."HELLO DID YOU NOT HEAR ME SAY EXSCUSE ME?" he responded with a quick "Yes ma'am can I help you?" "Can you help me? Umm my 13 month old son's appointment was at 1:30....it is 3:30 are we going to be seen anytime soon?" The guy said he would find out and come let me know and to go back to the waiting room. I marched back to my seat, Max was fussing understandably and Allen had smoke coming out of his ears. After 15 minutes and still no answers I stomped back up to the front desk slapped my debit card in front of the dude and said put my co pay back on my card and I want the name, number and address for whoever is in charge here. A nurse came over and asked my name etc that she would check to see when we would be seen. I said "Now Ma'am, I don't know whos fault it is that My 13 month old son, husband and I are still waiting nealry 3 hours after my sons appointment time, but this is unacceptable. I want the co pay put back on my card and we will take our child else where to be seen." Just as me and the guy from the front desk were walking back through to go to wherever he said we had to go to get the co pay put back on my card a nurse came out and said "Max Crowder"..................I grabbed my card from the front desk dude and Allen and I Max in toe stompped to the docotrs office...we must have lloked like we were doing some kind of angry Harlem Step Team ensamble b/c we were strating stomp stepping in unison OKAY!
The nurse was very apologetic and said the doctor would be in shortly...as she went to shut the door I grabbed it and said if the docotr will be in shortly then theres no need to close the door now is there!!! The doctor came in...Folks....mind you we had just waited for 3 hours, I am running on very few hours of sleep, Max is irritated and hungry, and Allen is fuming. The doctor put the honey I shruk the kids contraption on her head looked in max's eyes for 5 minutes tops...swings around and starts typing....Now lets just enter MOMENT OF SILENCE......so I don't say too many bad words. WELLL........how do his eyes look??????????????? She nonchalantly responds they look the same, how has he been doing? (*^#$%^&)!@#$%^&
Lemme tell ya how he has been doin'.....mmmmk! He is wondaful (THE DURHAM IN ME STARTED COMING OUT! I started talking in a new accent-even Allen was looking at me as if I should simmer down) Max is the most active in his class, both of his therapist praise on how amazing he is doing and that they both think he sees a lot more than what the records show from his diagnosis, he loves books, picks up the smallest of things....as I was telling her about my Max she grabbed a tissue, wripped off a small piece, rolled it up, and held her hand out....Max picked it right up out of her hand. Her response was that it is great that he is doing so well. The main reason for this appointment is jus tto make sure it hasn't gotten worse.
I wanted to stand up, grab Max, do a hair flip and say girl bye, and get the hell out of there! Thats about all we got from that 30 minute appointment that we waited 3 hours for on top of the mental roller coaster ride I had been on for the previous several weeks...
I am no doctor but I what I am is Max's Mama. I see him everyday...he loves to laugh, help me do laundry (or try to get in the dryer rather), he will tare up some food, he likes not wearing a shirt and banging on his chest like that...whats his name?(can't think of it-lack of sleep) you know who I am talking about, he loves to color, he thinks bath time aka bah tine is the shiz nit, he loves playing with my hair and my jewelry, he thinks blocks of all kinds are off the chain, he loves to open and close doors aka doe's, he loves to give kisses (although he doesn't understand he needs to close his mount-they are still the best kisses in the world-slobber and all), his best bud is Aiden, he loves his teacher Ms. Tonya, he gets real irritated when Mama and Dada hug unless he is in the middle, his Toy Story tent is his #1 chill spot, he is not a fan of raisins, he loves music of all kinds and has some super sick dance moves, he loves his Elmo aka Elbow, his Mama is his fav, he thinks dogs are strange looking children and is terrified of them, he thinks books are awesome, asks for deuce on the regular(juice), but most of all he is just who God intended him to be...and Praise God my son!
I have had it up to here (muh hands raised over muh head as far as possible) with specialists who don't seem special at all if I say so myslef and I do say so...I am sick of having my booga bear poked and prodded and evaluated and hospitals, waiting rooms, no real answers, the anxiety and depression that goes along with all of this...I just want it all to stop! Max is happy, healthy, loved, and PERFECT! And....he is calling for me now. Thanks for listenin' feel a little better already.
We took Max to his third evaluation a few weeks ago. Both of the ladies that come and work with him twice a month...one from CDSA (Child Developmental Services Agency) and one from Governor Morehead School for the blind have said how well Max is doing. Even his daycare teachers praise on how active he is and that he must be able to see more than they originally thought he would.
Well, I have always been a pessimist while my husband is the optimist. Having Max in my life has really taught me to force myself to be or try to be optimistic. I really REALLY had my hopes up for this third evaluation; So much so that I couldn't stop imagining what Dr. Toth was going to say...I only slept at most 12 hours the whole week before his appointment and not in fear this time, I was just so certain we were going to get such great news ya know?! The night before his appointment Max and I were playing. Max is my baby so I am past the point of "evaluating" his "condition". I really have for the most part forgotten that he was even diagnosed with PFV...OK thats a lie...erase-erase. Example of me trying to force myself to be optimistic.
What I am trying to say is that I have reached a point that I accept it no matter how good or bad his condition really is...so instead of always being the first thing I think of everyday it's the ya know 4th or 5th...Anyways...I was playing with Max the night before his 3rd evaluation and for some reason I could see the "white spot" in his left eye more than normal. After we put him to bed snug as a bug in a rug Allen and I went to bed. I just couldn't sleep...much like tonight. I ended up coming back downstairs and looking at all of the hundreds of pictures of my sweet little Max man. I felt like Barbara Hershey in the movie Beaches as Hillary Whitney looking for that picture of her mother's hands...yeah it was like that. Maybe it was lack of sleep, paranoia...I saw the *&^%$#@ white spot in my babies eye in every picture. That sharp paid was back in my chest, tears started pouring...you know the cry that is silent and painful with a big ol' touch of pissed the hell off. I got really pissed folks. I hadn't been in that mental place since the day he was diagnosed and I had been so excited about this appointment and BAM that jack a** of a pesimistic got the best of me. Its like in the movies the little angel on one shoulder and the devil on the other...you catch my drift right? Well after the silent, painful cry turned into straight Whaaaaaa, tissues got involved..it was ugly I tell ya...I got myself together and I...sitting by myself in my livingroom, dead silence other that the deep short repetitive breaths...you know the ones after a good cry? Little kids get them after whoopin's...I litterally (as crazy as it sounds) took my left hand and flicked that little bastard of pessimistic devil off my left shoulder, gave the optimistic angel dap, and took my my strong, forced optimistic a** to bed....crickets...and I laid there.........and laid there. I straight up was so sleep deprived myself was arguing with me in my head. Somewhere in the midst of me and myself's arguments mixed with prayer I dosed off.
It must have been about 3am and I heard my Max through the monitor. I could tell he was moving around and surely about to let it go so I went in there to save Allen's sleep. I changed my booga bear and gave him a bottle. We sat there and just stared at eachother. Here come the tears now just thing about it. My Max was looking right into my eyes. Now...again people Morg has had very little sleep, but I swear Max and I were having a moment. In the middle of his bottle he just stopped and smiled at me, then shook his head no. It was like he knew I was worried and just telling me in his little Max way "Chill the heck out Mama, Dada knows everyhtings fine sleeping like a baby upstairs...just simmer down Mama." I put him to bed and I to went to sleep.
His appointment was at 1:30 pm....remember that folks ONE THIRTY P.M....Allen, Max, and I got to Duke about 12:15 and checked in....off to the bland waiting room we went filled with elderly people wearing bifocals....Now wait just a minute! Were we in the right place? The fella at the front desk checked us in so we must be. Just as I was contemplating going back up to the front to verify we were indeed in the right place a lady came in with a little boy around 5ish....ohhhh there goes the sharp pain again. The little boy was noticeably visually impaired. His mother guided him to his seat. Thoughts started pouring in muh head...Oh Lord bless her heart, bless his heart, wonder what condition he has, could it be PFV? As the thoughts were racing in my mind the little boys mother looked right at me and my mind went blank. She looked at me and did one of those smiles...probable the same smile I gave her when they first waled in...the one that expresses sympathy. I tried distracting myself and took Max for a walk. It was 3:00pm and we had still not been seen or so much as had someone let us know how long we would be waiting. At 3:30 Mama Morg reached the boiling point. I knew that if I didn't go say something Allen was soon gonna and it would get real ugly up in there. I marched...not walked...I marched up to the front desk. "'Scuse me...." Homeboy had the nerve to ignore me which sent me overboard...."HELLO DID YOU NOT HEAR ME SAY EXSCUSE ME?" he responded with a quick "Yes ma'am can I help you?" "Can you help me? Umm my 13 month old son's appointment was at 1:30....it is 3:30 are we going to be seen anytime soon?" The guy said he would find out and come let me know and to go back to the waiting room. I marched back to my seat, Max was fussing understandably and Allen had smoke coming out of his ears. After 15 minutes and still no answers I stomped back up to the front desk slapped my debit card in front of the dude and said put my co pay back on my card and I want the name, number and address for whoever is in charge here. A nurse came over and asked my name etc that she would check to see when we would be seen. I said "Now Ma'am, I don't know whos fault it is that My 13 month old son, husband and I are still waiting nealry 3 hours after my sons appointment time, but this is unacceptable. I want the co pay put back on my card and we will take our child else where to be seen." Just as me and the guy from the front desk were walking back through to go to wherever he said we had to go to get the co pay put back on my card a nurse came out and said "Max Crowder"..................I grabbed my card from the front desk dude and Allen and I Max in toe stompped to the docotrs office...we must have lloked like we were doing some kind of angry Harlem Step Team ensamble b/c we were strating stomp stepping in unison OKAY!
The nurse was very apologetic and said the doctor would be in shortly...as she went to shut the door I grabbed it and said if the docotr will be in shortly then theres no need to close the door now is there!!! The doctor came in...Folks....mind you we had just waited for 3 hours, I am running on very few hours of sleep, Max is irritated and hungry, and Allen is fuming. The doctor put the honey I shruk the kids contraption on her head looked in max's eyes for 5 minutes tops...swings around and starts typing....Now lets just enter MOMENT OF SILENCE......so I don't say too many bad words. WELLL........how do his eyes look??????????????? She nonchalantly responds they look the same, how has he been doing? (*^#$%^&)!@#$%^&
Lemme tell ya how he has been doin'.....mmmmk! He is wondaful (THE DURHAM IN ME STARTED COMING OUT! I started talking in a new accent-even Allen was looking at me as if I should simmer down) Max is the most active in his class, both of his therapist praise on how amazing he is doing and that they both think he sees a lot more than what the records show from his diagnosis, he loves books, picks up the smallest of things....as I was telling her about my Max she grabbed a tissue, wripped off a small piece, rolled it up, and held her hand out....Max picked it right up out of her hand. Her response was that it is great that he is doing so well. The main reason for this appointment is jus tto make sure it hasn't gotten worse.
I wanted to stand up, grab Max, do a hair flip and say girl bye, and get the hell out of there! Thats about all we got from that 30 minute appointment that we waited 3 hours for on top of the mental roller coaster ride I had been on for the previous several weeks...
I am no doctor but I what I am is Max's Mama. I see him everyday...he loves to laugh, help me do laundry (or try to get in the dryer rather), he will tare up some food, he likes not wearing a shirt and banging on his chest like that...whats his name?(can't think of it-lack of sleep) you know who I am talking about, he loves to color, he thinks bath time aka bah tine is the shiz nit, he loves playing with my hair and my jewelry, he thinks blocks of all kinds are off the chain, he loves to open and close doors aka doe's, he loves to give kisses (although he doesn't understand he needs to close his mount-they are still the best kisses in the world-slobber and all), his best bud is Aiden, he loves his teacher Ms. Tonya, he gets real irritated when Mama and Dada hug unless he is in the middle, his Toy Story tent is his #1 chill spot, he is not a fan of raisins, he loves music of all kinds and has some super sick dance moves, he loves his Elmo aka Elbow, his Mama is his fav, he thinks dogs are strange looking children and is terrified of them, he thinks books are awesome, asks for deuce on the regular(juice), but most of all he is just who God intended him to be...and Praise God my son!
I have had it up to here (muh hands raised over muh head as far as possible) with specialists who don't seem special at all if I say so myslef and I do say so...I am sick of having my booga bear poked and prodded and evaluated and hospitals, waiting rooms, no real answers, the anxiety and depression that goes along with all of this...I just want it all to stop! Max is happy, healthy, loved, and PERFECT! And....he is calling for me now. Thanks for listenin' feel a little better already.
Saturday, October 8, 2011
Deuce BABY!!!
It has been a while since I wrote and there is soooo much to write about!
For starters Max was accepted in a program at the Governor Morehead School for the Blind. A sweet lady name Susan comes to our house twice a month to work with Max. Susan and another lady from CDSA-Children's Developmental Service Agency, name Pam came last Wednesday. They both fell in love with my Sweet Max...I mean how could you not....let's be real!
Pam did an E-LAP (Early Learning Accomplishment Profile) assesment on Max and was excited to report that he is right on target (9 month old level) on all skills and a 12 month level on motor skills....WOOOO HOOOO! GO MAX!
They were both very positive and hopeful for Max. Susan who specializes in visually impaired children (for 27+ years) even said he may not even have to read braile........."Come again", I said... I could not believe it...yes I could, but seriously....there is absolutely no way you can doubt God! Right there in my living room...there he was...again...yes I am talking about God folks. I'm thinkin' he was probably chillin' on our big comfy brown chair enjoying Dino Dan on the tube while listening in on Max's assessment. When Pam got to the part of the assessment where she tested Max's motor skills...I'm quite certain God bopped Max on the head with his "Holy-Oh yes I can" wand.
MY KID IS AWESOME!
So anywho...he is doing really great. He is crawling all over the dang place. I swear I saw smoke behind him the other day-he gets around so fast. You would never know he had PFV...he goes straight to what he wants....toys, food, food, more food, bottles, everything. The latest new thing is the words he started saying....
I was feeding him the other night and I have made a habit of repeating what things are over and over and putting his hand on whatever it is so he can feel it and know what it is...just in case he can't clearly make them out. So anyway I was feeding him mac and cheese and each bite I'd say "mmm nummy nummy cheese". Now I do this everytime I feed him..."mmm nummy nummy green beans" etc...well this was his first experience with the mac and cheese folks. Right before the last bite as always I said "okay Mr. Max, last bite, make it a good one"....and right after he swallowed that last bite of his mac and cheese...he opened his mouth wide for another bite. I said "all gone"...Do you know this kid shook his head no-no and said in a voice like someone with a voice box, with a chin to chest, eyes lookin' up, angry look=CHEEEESE?! OH BOY...I got scared so what did I do?...got the kid more CHEESE! He got through half of the other mac and cheese and said DEUCE. I was puzzled...Did he poopy aka drop a deuce? Does he want to play poker? Is he straight tellin' me he is on his deuce serving of mac and cheese? Well he said it again and...AND I tell ya...he POINTED at his DEUCE...POINTED people...(inserting black church choir here)....HE SEES HIS JUICE and he POINTED at it. I freaked! I yelped and clapped and carried on. I said "yes baby....very good"...He was over it and not impressed with my cheering skills. He looked at me, rolled his eyes, through his hands in the air, palms up, pointed at the juice again and said DEUCE...like Mama...really? Can I get my deuce please?! I have never been so happy to give my Max deuce ever!!!! I just really love me some deuce now!
A few weeks ago I picked Max up from school (daycare). We were havin' a Max-Mama jam out session to BEP's My Humps. When the song was over I heard Max carrying on a 1 man convo. in the back seat and all this time I had thought he was enjoying my sining'...anyway I tunred the music off and just listened to him...Max:"Olly a bob wa, tay n na weend, scootn, BABY..." Oh it was so cute how he said it...and I said baby back and he said it again; so the whole 10 minute drive home from his school, Max and I did a remix of Baby Got Back....Max would say BABY and I'd say got milk...he thought it was so funny, well not really, but I thought it was so tooshay people...tooshay!
We are really enjoying all these little things...he does something new everyday it seems like.
For starters Max was accepted in a program at the Governor Morehead School for the Blind. A sweet lady name Susan comes to our house twice a month to work with Max. Susan and another lady from CDSA-Children's Developmental Service Agency, name Pam came last Wednesday. They both fell in love with my Sweet Max...I mean how could you not....let's be real!
Pam did an E-LAP (Early Learning Accomplishment Profile) assesment on Max and was excited to report that he is right on target (9 month old level) on all skills and a 12 month level on motor skills....WOOOO HOOOO! GO MAX!
They were both very positive and hopeful for Max. Susan who specializes in visually impaired children (for 27+ years) even said he may not even have to read braile........."Come again", I said... I could not believe it...yes I could, but seriously....there is absolutely no way you can doubt God! Right there in my living room...there he was...again...yes I am talking about God folks. I'm thinkin' he was probably chillin' on our big comfy brown chair enjoying Dino Dan on the tube while listening in on Max's assessment. When Pam got to the part of the assessment where she tested Max's motor skills...I'm quite certain God bopped Max on the head with his "Holy-Oh yes I can" wand.
MY KID IS AWESOME!
So anywho...he is doing really great. He is crawling all over the dang place. I swear I saw smoke behind him the other day-he gets around so fast. You would never know he had PFV...he goes straight to what he wants....toys, food, food, more food, bottles, everything. The latest new thing is the words he started saying....
I was feeding him the other night and I have made a habit of repeating what things are over and over and putting his hand on whatever it is so he can feel it and know what it is...just in case he can't clearly make them out. So anyway I was feeding him mac and cheese and each bite I'd say "mmm nummy nummy cheese". Now I do this everytime I feed him..."mmm nummy nummy green beans" etc...well this was his first experience with the mac and cheese folks. Right before the last bite as always I said "okay Mr. Max, last bite, make it a good one"....and right after he swallowed that last bite of his mac and cheese...he opened his mouth wide for another bite. I said "all gone"...Do you know this kid shook his head no-no and said in a voice like someone with a voice box, with a chin to chest, eyes lookin' up, angry look=CHEEEESE?! OH BOY...I got scared so what did I do?...got the kid more CHEESE! He got through half of the other mac and cheese and said DEUCE. I was puzzled...Did he poopy aka drop a deuce? Does he want to play poker? Is he straight tellin' me he is on his deuce serving of mac and cheese? Well he said it again and...AND I tell ya...he POINTED at his DEUCE...POINTED people...(inserting black church choir here)....HE SEES HIS JUICE and he POINTED at it. I freaked! I yelped and clapped and carried on. I said "yes baby....very good"...He was over it and not impressed with my cheering skills. He looked at me, rolled his eyes, through his hands in the air, palms up, pointed at the juice again and said DEUCE...like Mama...really? Can I get my deuce please?! I have never been so happy to give my Max deuce ever!!!! I just really love me some deuce now!
A few weeks ago I picked Max up from school (daycare). We were havin' a Max-Mama jam out session to BEP's My Humps. When the song was over I heard Max carrying on a 1 man convo. in the back seat and all this time I had thought he was enjoying my sining'...anyway I tunred the music off and just listened to him...Max:"Olly a bob wa, tay n na weend, scootn, BABY..." Oh it was so cute how he said it...and I said baby back and he said it again; so the whole 10 minute drive home from his school, Max and I did a remix of Baby Got Back....Max would say BABY and I'd say got milk...he thought it was so funny, well not really, but I thought it was so tooshay people...tooshay!
We are really enjoying all these little things...he does something new everyday it seems like.
Thursday, August 25, 2011
Max's Obama signing in...
It is Thursday 8/25/11. My sweet Max turned 8 months on the 21st. I just cannot believe how fast he is growing.
Last Thursday we went to UNC for a second opinion on Max's eyes because I really felt like he was seeing better. His doctor's name was Dr. Ulrich and HOLY AUSSY...he sounded exactly like Shrek. Max didn't fuss at all. I had prepared myself for him to at the very least get upset during the drops to make his pupils dialate and my little fella just laughed at the nurse putting the drops in. Dr. Ulrich examined his eyes with another one of those contraptions that the dad on Honey I Shrunk the Kids wore while swinging around the back yard in search of his tiny shrunken chiRRen. Unfortunately he agreed with Dr. Toth's diagnosis from Duke...Bilatteral Persistent Fetal Vasculature...geez...is that not the most awful sounding thing ever!?! I will never understand why they insist on calling these terrible things such God awful, long, look-a-like how you spell the sound of a sneeze, names that nobody understands. I am going to call it "Dunno" from now on...Since thats pretty much the only answer we have gotten regarding the &^*%^ thing...What causes it? Dunno, What can we expect? Dunno, Well do you know what he can/can't see? Dunno, Can it fix itself? Dunno...Dunno...DUNNO.
You could tell Dr. Ulrich felt sympathy for us. He tried to be as positive as possible. We explained that we wouldn't change a thing and how we loved Max no matter what and that we know without a doubt he will be just fine and dandy...Then Dr. Ulrich explained (in Shrek's accent) how he has 2-8 month old, identical twin boys at home. He smiled as he told us how much he adored them and still with a smile on his face he said they both have Cystic Fibrosis...but we love them all the same and wouldn't change them for anything...
CRICKETS
Dang...this man here much like the angel nurse at Duke just really makes you realize there are amazing people in the world and no matter how bad you think something in your own life is...it could always be way worse.
When we left I had to go back to work. Allen had picked Max up from daycare and brought him to the appointment and I met them there. On my lonesome way back to work I remember looking at my husband drive away in my review mirror in the opposite direction. All I could think about was how my sweet, innocent little baby boy was sitting in his car seat in the backseat of my husband's truck, probably saying Obama (what he calls me) or dada, and cooing sounds-WHAT COULD HE SEE-was all I kept thinking...is everything just a blurr, can he see things up close to his face??? and My eyes filled up with tears. I did that thing all us woman do when we try to get it together...I looked up, took my right hand and fanned my dern eyeballs hoping the tears would dry up and I could go on about my day and get home to Max without breaking down and jacking up my makeup before going back to work.. I had held it together so well and stayed so positive in the doctors office. I am just so sick of the unknown...I WANT ANSWERS! I want to know exactly what he can and can't see and WHY this happend to my baby! I finally made it home and there was booga boog happy as a lark in his exersaucer. He heard me come in and was just uh smilin'! Peace came over me. Thats what I had needed all day...this little guy is my happiness. There is nothing better that being a mom...especially when your the mom of the world's most awesome little guy EVER...we are going to kick "DUNNO's" ass.
Obama-mama signing out...
Last Thursday we went to UNC for a second opinion on Max's eyes because I really felt like he was seeing better. His doctor's name was Dr. Ulrich and HOLY AUSSY...he sounded exactly like Shrek. Max didn't fuss at all. I had prepared myself for him to at the very least get upset during the drops to make his pupils dialate and my little fella just laughed at the nurse putting the drops in. Dr. Ulrich examined his eyes with another one of those contraptions that the dad on Honey I Shrunk the Kids wore while swinging around the back yard in search of his tiny shrunken chiRRen. Unfortunately he agreed with Dr. Toth's diagnosis from Duke...Bilatteral Persistent Fetal Vasculature...geez...is that not the most awful sounding thing ever!?! I will never understand why they insist on calling these terrible things such God awful, long, look-a-like how you spell the sound of a sneeze, names that nobody understands. I am going to call it "Dunno" from now on...Since thats pretty much the only answer we have gotten regarding the &^*%^ thing...What causes it? Dunno, What can we expect? Dunno, Well do you know what he can/can't see? Dunno, Can it fix itself? Dunno...Dunno...DUNNO.
You could tell Dr. Ulrich felt sympathy for us. He tried to be as positive as possible. We explained that we wouldn't change a thing and how we loved Max no matter what and that we know without a doubt he will be just fine and dandy...Then Dr. Ulrich explained (in Shrek's accent) how he has 2-8 month old, identical twin boys at home. He smiled as he told us how much he adored them and still with a smile on his face he said they both have Cystic Fibrosis...but we love them all the same and wouldn't change them for anything...
CRICKETS
Dang...this man here much like the angel nurse at Duke just really makes you realize there are amazing people in the world and no matter how bad you think something in your own life is...it could always be way worse.
When we left I had to go back to work. Allen had picked Max up from daycare and brought him to the appointment and I met them there. On my lonesome way back to work I remember looking at my husband drive away in my review mirror in the opposite direction. All I could think about was how my sweet, innocent little baby boy was sitting in his car seat in the backseat of my husband's truck, probably saying Obama (what he calls me) or dada, and cooing sounds-WHAT COULD HE SEE-was all I kept thinking...is everything just a blurr, can he see things up close to his face??? and My eyes filled up with tears. I did that thing all us woman do when we try to get it together...I looked up, took my right hand and fanned my dern eyeballs hoping the tears would dry up and I could go on about my day and get home to Max without breaking down and jacking up my makeup before going back to work.. I had held it together so well and stayed so positive in the doctors office. I am just so sick of the unknown...I WANT ANSWERS! I want to know exactly what he can and can't see and WHY this happend to my baby! I finally made it home and there was booga boog happy as a lark in his exersaucer. He heard me come in and was just uh smilin'! Peace came over me. Thats what I had needed all day...this little guy is my happiness. There is nothing better that being a mom...especially when your the mom of the world's most awesome little guy EVER...we are going to kick "DUNNO's" ass.
Obama-mama signing out...
Wednesday, July 6, 2011
July 4th...Max's First
So it is about 2:30 pm and I have been up since yesterday mmk!?! Lord have mercy why do babies teeth and get gas?!? I hit my first breaking point today-with my patience and all..................................................so that was a lie-I have had a few, but today WOOOOWEEEEE! I had to put Max down and walk outside for a breather. I felt so terrible! I just could NOT do it anymore-all the screaming and nothing that I can do to make it stop. I hope someone out there can relate!
The baby tylenol finally kicked in and my fingertips are straight up numb from baby orajel overuse! No worries folks...I only put it on his gums twice in the last 24 hours, but I tried an unGODly amount of times. The poor kid's nose, left big toe, and right ear lobe are not feeling a thing! How I managed to miss his mouth to that extent is neither here nor there...I really tried. I don't know if it was from lack of sleep or if I am just flat out going crazy, but I just could not get it on his poor little gums. We screamed and cried together today....I was on the verge of slapping the rest of the orajel on my forehead in hopes it would numb my headache because it sure did do a number on his gums once it met those suckers and his poor left big toe hadn't budged in hours.
Mommy is off to take a nap...Dear God, please, pUH-lease-just one hour?! To be continued....
Well the baby orajel...doesn't do jack for a headache. I got a joke of a 20 minute nap...Good news is Max's left big toe is back in action...bad news is-he is tootin' what sounds like the hot damn national anthem and screaming in between...I guess his impression of fireworks...I really wish I could take it away bless his heart!!! You know how you learn your babies cries? The tired whiny cry, the aggrivated hungry cry, then there is the awful pain cry...How his teeny-tiny lungs manage to make that scream is beyond me...It is just wrong-1) for them to feel pain that would make them scream that loud and 2) for them to be able to scream that loud!!!
Well booger bear managed to sleep right through the fireworks. I was so glad that our neighbors did fireworks on the 3rd. Max really enjoyed them after getting over the loud sound they made. He looked right at them in the sky. I stocked up on sparklers...he will love them for sure.
We got our free book bag full of books in braille and toys for visually impaired kids today from Seedlings. Allen and I were super excited because they have a thick lesson book for him and I so we can learn braille with Max.
Feeling so blessed and thankful for my life...my amazing family, awesome friends, and especially my perfect Max! Praise GOD!
Thursday, June 30, 2011
My Problems Are BIGGER Than Yours Sooo...
This is not and will never be the case for anyone...Each of us have our moments in life, where you want to give up, or you question God, or whatever it is that you believe in...you feel angry and cannot for the life of you understand why or how, whatever it is that you are going through is happening to YOU!!! What did I do so terribly wrong to have to go through this? Well hello there-my friend in low places YOU are not alone...
After finding out about our son Max having PFV many friends and family members opened their hearts to us...even some strangers. As terrible as it may seem talking with other people and hearing their trials in life and hearing their hearts pour out to us with so much love and comfort was INCREDIBLE!!! Allen and I were in the hardest place we had ever been...felt pain we had never felt, we got angry at God...even wondered if he had just completely "left the building".
I started thinking of my life...all of it. The times I felt I was in the lowest of lows...and somehow I managed to come through it and be better because of it. All of the stories my friends, family, and strangers had shared with me...trying to put myself in the shoes of these people and attempt to feel what they were feeling or had felt...I even found myself again asking why for them? For the love of God I cannot understand why...
His mom and 2 sisters that absolutely adored him...Getting that phone call at 3 or 4 on that October morning that their son/brother had been shot and killed for absolutely no reason at all...he was such a loving and genuinely kind hearted person...not one enemy in the world...the 3 of them still being strong people, praying for others and finding comfort in knowing that God needed him for bigger things...
Why at 29 does she have cancer? She has 2 daughters and so much life left to live...She still wears her gorgeous smile and stands strong as an advocate for MS. She explains that there is still much hope for her, but no cure for MS and how she will continue to fight for a cure not for her own illness, but the one that shes witnessed hurt others with no hope...
How could such a loving mother of a beautiful daughter not be able to have another child? The other child she had always planned to have? I can remember playing barbies with her as kids and it never failed she always had her family of four in her souped up red barbie vette; Yet she still sends prayer and words of comfort to my family and even said she doesn't know how we are being so strong...She is the strong one to me...
Why would this happen to anyone? A 27 year old single woman's home catches on fire, her 3 year old son is saved-unharmed, her house is gone, she lays in a hospital room now 3 months later, with both legs amputated due to infections caused from her burns, and speaks with a voice box as a result of the smoke inhalation, she fears seeing her own son because she can't bare the thought of frightening him as this was not the mommy he knew...HOW GOD?
The awesome mom with a beautiful little girl. The little girl I am sure she had always dreamed of having and loving so unconditionally...why is there even such a thing as Post Partum? The fear she must feel wondering why...She adores her child so how could she feel these things of not wanting to hold her sweet little baby?
And still she comforts others and prays...
A mother of a now 18 year old amazing daughter who is blind and limited on one side of her body...not because she was born this way but due to a car accident she was involved in at age 7. The pain she must have went through and still goes through seeing her beautiful daughter go through all of these unnecessary obstacles in life...And still she comforts others and has the best since of humor...still shares her "best thoughts" on all things...All the while devoting her life to ensure her daughter lives her life to the fullest...
The young mother of 2 who has been in love with the same man since grade school, now going through a brutal divorce due to his long battle with alcoholism...she still prays for my family and sends words of comfort.
The lady dear to my heart that at one time in life was married to an alcoholic that abused her...she is a strong and beautiful woman with the most amazing little person in the world now...she inspires me everyday.
A friend who is in the midst of losing both of her parents to terminal illnesses, of which live on the other side of the Earth...yet she still hugs Allen and I and explains how she hurts for us and prays for us.
Or the mom that got in a care accident and as a result her youngest daughter was killed, as she was a passenger. This woman still stands strong, prays, and devotes her life to being the best mother and grandmother she can be...
The list goes on and on people...You think about all of these things and step back and realize no we aren't alone in our trials throughout life. We all have bad days, we all at times wish things were a little different, get mad when someone cuts us off on the road, have moments when we do things or say things in a fit of anger that we later wish we could take back...you can't. This is our life...it has molded us into the people we are. The hard times make us stronger and give us compassion to be strong for other people in their time of need. I realize that to each of us our problems are the hardest because it is our experience...and rightfully so. What may seem petty to one person could break someone else's soul. We all have the opportunity to better someone elses life everyday...we just have to choose to do so. Whats small to you may be the world to someone else.
I really wish I could personally thank each and every person that has emailed, called, and prayed for my family. Moments like these...the hard ones...these are the times I know without a doubt there is a higher being...to me thats God..to you maybe something else....I am thankful that my situation (Max's situation) is not worse, I thank God for my life, all the smiles, laughs, and for all the amazing people we are lucky to know and most of I thank GOD for my precious Max.
My cousin sent me this and we found it very comforting...thanks Allison!
"One night I dreamed I was walking along the beach with the Lord. Many scenes from my life flashed across the sky. In each scene I noticed footprints in the sand; Sometimes there were two sets of footprints, Other times there were one set of footprints. This bothered me because I noticed during the low periods of my life, When I was ...suffering from anguish, sorrow, or defeat, I could see only one set of footprints. So I said to the Lord, "You promised me Lord that if I followed you, you would walk with me always. But I have noticed during the most trying periods of my life there have only been one set of footprints. Why when I needed you most, you have not been there for me?" The Lord replied, "The times when you have seen only one set of footprints is when I carried you."
After finding out about our son Max having PFV many friends and family members opened their hearts to us...even some strangers. As terrible as it may seem talking with other people and hearing their trials in life and hearing their hearts pour out to us with so much love and comfort was INCREDIBLE!!! Allen and I were in the hardest place we had ever been...felt pain we had never felt, we got angry at God...even wondered if he had just completely "left the building".
I started thinking of my life...all of it. The times I felt I was in the lowest of lows...and somehow I managed to come through it and be better because of it. All of the stories my friends, family, and strangers had shared with me...trying to put myself in the shoes of these people and attempt to feel what they were feeling or had felt...I even found myself again asking why for them? For the love of God I cannot understand why...
His mom and 2 sisters that absolutely adored him...Getting that phone call at 3 or 4 on that October morning that their son/brother had been shot and killed for absolutely no reason at all...he was such a loving and genuinely kind hearted person...not one enemy in the world...the 3 of them still being strong people, praying for others and finding comfort in knowing that God needed him for bigger things...
Why at 29 does she have cancer? She has 2 daughters and so much life left to live...She still wears her gorgeous smile and stands strong as an advocate for MS. She explains that there is still much hope for her, but no cure for MS and how she will continue to fight for a cure not for her own illness, but the one that shes witnessed hurt others with no hope...
How could such a loving mother of a beautiful daughter not be able to have another child? The other child she had always planned to have? I can remember playing barbies with her as kids and it never failed she always had her family of four in her souped up red barbie vette; Yet she still sends prayer and words of comfort to my family and even said she doesn't know how we are being so strong...She is the strong one to me...
Why would this happen to anyone? A 27 year old single woman's home catches on fire, her 3 year old son is saved-unharmed, her house is gone, she lays in a hospital room now 3 months later, with both legs amputated due to infections caused from her burns, and speaks with a voice box as a result of the smoke inhalation, she fears seeing her own son because she can't bare the thought of frightening him as this was not the mommy he knew...HOW GOD?
The awesome mom with a beautiful little girl. The little girl I am sure she had always dreamed of having and loving so unconditionally...why is there even such a thing as Post Partum? The fear she must feel wondering why...She adores her child so how could she feel these things of not wanting to hold her sweet little baby?
And still she comforts others and prays...
A mother of a now 18 year old amazing daughter who is blind and limited on one side of her body...not because she was born this way but due to a car accident she was involved in at age 7. The pain she must have went through and still goes through seeing her beautiful daughter go through all of these unnecessary obstacles in life...And still she comforts others and has the best since of humor...still shares her "best thoughts" on all things...All the while devoting her life to ensure her daughter lives her life to the fullest...
The young mother of 2 who has been in love with the same man since grade school, now going through a brutal divorce due to his long battle with alcoholism...she still prays for my family and sends words of comfort.
The lady dear to my heart that at one time in life was married to an alcoholic that abused her...she is a strong and beautiful woman with the most amazing little person in the world now...she inspires me everyday.
A friend who is in the midst of losing both of her parents to terminal illnesses, of which live on the other side of the Earth...yet she still hugs Allen and I and explains how she hurts for us and prays for us.
Or the mom that got in a care accident and as a result her youngest daughter was killed, as she was a passenger. This woman still stands strong, prays, and devotes her life to being the best mother and grandmother she can be...
The list goes on and on people...You think about all of these things and step back and realize no we aren't alone in our trials throughout life. We all have bad days, we all at times wish things were a little different, get mad when someone cuts us off on the road, have moments when we do things or say things in a fit of anger that we later wish we could take back...you can't. This is our life...it has molded us into the people we are. The hard times make us stronger and give us compassion to be strong for other people in their time of need. I realize that to each of us our problems are the hardest because it is our experience...and rightfully so. What may seem petty to one person could break someone else's soul. We all have the opportunity to better someone elses life everyday...we just have to choose to do so. Whats small to you may be the world to someone else.
I really wish I could personally thank each and every person that has emailed, called, and prayed for my family. Moments like these...the hard ones...these are the times I know without a doubt there is a higher being...to me thats God..to you maybe something else....I am thankful that my situation (Max's situation) is not worse, I thank God for my life, all the smiles, laughs, and for all the amazing people we are lucky to know and most of I thank GOD for my precious Max.
My cousin sent me this and we found it very comforting...thanks Allison!
"One night I dreamed I was walking along the beach with the Lord. Many scenes from my life flashed across the sky. In each scene I noticed footprints in the sand; Sometimes there were two sets of footprints, Other times there were one set of footprints. This bothered me because I noticed during the low periods of my life, When I was ...suffering from anguish, sorrow, or defeat, I could see only one set of footprints. So I said to the Lord, "You promised me Lord that if I followed you, you would walk with me always. But I have noticed during the most trying periods of my life there have only been one set of footprints. Why when I needed you most, you have not been there for me?" The Lord replied, "The times when you have seen only one set of footprints is when I carried you."
Wednesday, June 29, 2011
Big Wheels Keep on Turnin', Proud Mary keep on Burnin', and We're Rollin'...
I am thinking Max had over heard his dad and I talking about my having the "willies" about starting a new job...He had an unusual expression on his face like he was nervous for me...
So anywho...I started feeding Max and telling him how today was going to be a great day like I always do. I told him to be nice to all the little people at "school" and then I went into how this was mom's first day at her new job and how I was super nervous. I am telling you folks, he pushed his bottle out of the way and placed his lttle hand on my hand, patted it, then rubbed it as if he was comforting me like old folks do to young ones....Are you serious Max? He looked right at me...yes looked right at me and smiled for I'd say about a second...Then he realized his bottle was missing in action and poked out his bottom lip-which might I add is the cutest pout face EVER!!! He was back to eating, but I gotta tell ya that my willies were vamanos!!!!
Off to the closet I went, Max in toe. I had to pick the perfect outfit for my first day. I asked Max to help me...I guess I had hoped he would have another growny pants moment and select a magnificent outfit-my new boss would compliment Max's selection and I could tell her that "Yea sooo, my awesome little 6 month old genious picked out this little number"...She was sure to be impressed! The kid grabbed my robe that I have had since junior high...Okie dokie son, this is serious business so you are gonna have to chill with dad for a bit while mama gets ready mm k! Of course I put the robe on with my serious business heels and glanced in the full length mirror...topped it off with a straw hat...ya never know...besides I needed a laugh!!
We were off to a fabulous Tuesday. On the way to Max's "school" we jammed out to Ike and Tina Turner's Proud Mary. Max absolutely loves me to sing, I mean it is his favorite thing next to applesauce, the kid thinks I am famous HELLO! He said something like Carry Underwood aint got nada on my mama...I dunno kids say the darndest things right...Moving on...so I began singing to little man...I left a good job in the city, dun dun, workin' for the man every night and day, and I neva....K, so here is where the "willies" came back. God really has a sense of humor right!?! Of all the songs to jam out to on this morning...really? I started thinking to myself "Self-you did leave a good job in the city..."(Note insert: Folks I just googled Proud Mary lyrics and do you know the lyrics are actually-Looking for a job in the city, working for the man every night and day-I have been signing that I had left a good job in the city since I was 10 years old and was obsessed with the movie Whats Love Got to do With It? Damnit why didn't anybody tell me?-nope correction just checked a better source and I was correct all along...goes to show you can't google everything)...What'ev...so Max started fussing aka yelling Mama sing it....so I did...big wheels keep on turning PROOOOUD Mary keep on burnin', and we rollin'-hit it Max-Rollin', rollin', Rollin', rollin' on a rivah. We pulled into his daycare and after the look on Mrs. lady in the blue car's expression I realized our jam-out session was OVAH and I turned down the volume...
Mrs. Lady In The Blue Car's expression
Mary was not proud no mas! Really Mrs. lady in the blue car....AT-TI-TUDE! I mean-all I am sayin' is...based on my observation of this lady's age, she was sure to be in her teens,during the release of Proud Mary...therefore we all know good and well Mrs. LADY IN THE BLUE CAR had jammed out before back in her day. Sooo what did I do? I cranked that sucker back up and finished my jam-out session with my son...thank you-come again! You don't have to worry though you have no money, people on the river are happy to give, BIG WHEELS KEEP ON TURNIN', PROUD MARY KEEP ON BURNIN"...
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